Trying not to love you, only makes me love you more
by cabson
Summary: Olivia asked a question but she doubted if she wanted to know the answer to it. Alex on her turn didn't know what to do with it. One simple question... but the answer could change their lives. One shot. A/O as always.


**A/N This one shot kept bugging me and spinning through my mind while working on a new chapter for one of my stories. So I decided to write it and get it out of my head so I can focus on writing my other stories again.**

 **I know, using different styles of writing in one chapter is not the best(normal) way of writing it but I tried to make the best of it and separated them. So don't bite my head off for it, I can't continue writing for other stories when I'm dead, can I?...**

 **This story is not based on any episode from SVU, it stands on its own.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the characters Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson, they belong to Dick Wolf and of course to Stephanie March and Mariska Hargitay! I only borrowed them to write this story.**

 **Trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.**

Alex's POV

It's almost the same as I met her all those years ago, almost... the big difference between when I first met her and now is that back then I didn't know her, that she wasn't my best friend. Yes, I was attracted to her instantly, who wouldn't be, but I didn't love her. And I didn't know how she guarded and protected her heart, how many walls she has putted in front of her beautiful, big, but also fragile heart...

For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about by now, it's Detective Olivia Benson I'm talking about. Yes that's right, the very same Detective of Manhattan SVU, the 16th precinct. The very same unit I'm assigned to as their Assistant District Attorney, shortly ADA. For those who didn't figure out yet who I am, my name is Alexandra (Alex) Cabot, ADA for said unit, for the third time, but I won't bother you all with the reasons as for why it's the third time.

Most people that know me call me Alex, which I prefer over Alexandra, but sometimes she, Olivia, calls me Lex, not Al, Ally or Lexi, I hate these nicknames, no she called me Lex before she even knew I hate my other nicknames and just because I hate them, she won't call me that. She's such a caring person, always thinking about other people first before thinking about herself, she's the most selfless person I know. As my friend she's always there for me, whenever I need someone I know she's there for me. Always willing to listen to me, always wanting to help me with whatever it is I need help with. She's highly intelligent, she has a dual degree in Criminology and Psychology, not that a lot of people know that, in fact I think I'm one of the very few persons who actually know it. Beside being intelligent, caring and selfless, she's also the most beautiful woman I've met or have seen. Her beautiful brown eyes, I could drown in them every time I look into them. I often do it, although, I try to hide from her and everyone who's around us at times we're not alone like in the squad room or the courtroom. But I also hide it when it's just the two of us because even though I know she cares for me very much, I also know she is scared off easily, when it is her heart it goes about. And the last the thing I want to do is to make her run away from me. So no matter how much I love her, I know I have to keep it to myself. I can't let her see it because I know she will run away and that will break my heart in a million pieces. You could say that in a way I'm doing the same thing she's doing, protecting my own heart to prevent it gets broken.

But at times like this, I wonder who I am trying to fool, my hearts gets broken now, too. Maybe not as fast as it would be when she would run away but nonetheless broken, in a slow torturing kind of way. And the questions I asked myself about a thousand times, keep spinning around in my mind. How long am I able to continue like this, trying to and being her friend while what I want is so much more? How long can I torture myself, before I break down so far I can't get up anymore? Or, when will I stop being a chicken and tell her what I really feel for her, even though I know it can go only two ways? Either it will be good, or it will end badly.

Times like this, are the times where we are in situations like our current one, in either of our apartments and just with the two of us. More specifically, when we are having deep conversations or are flirting with each other. At least that's what it is I think we're doing, I can't look inside her head or read her mind.

Anyway, I'm at yet another point where there are only two directions to go. You see, Olivia just asked me a question, let me rephrase that, she asked me, a for me loaded question, and is now waiting for my answer, to said question. The question is, do I think she's beautiful? How hard is that to answer you might think, well to me, it's very hard because if I'm telling her the truth I know that I can't keep my mouth shut and will tell her everything else I think about her, including the part where I tell her that I love her and that's why I'm fighting this fight inside myself, do I tell her the truth or not, am I going to be honest to her or not. I never lied to her before and I hate to start doing it now. So here we are and am I struggling with myself, thinking about what it is that I should do or better said, what it is that I'm going to do...

Olivia's POV

People know me as a woman with two different sides, one side is the Detective that can make every victim feel safe in her presence and fight hard for them, seeking for justice for them, to the point that it could cost me my badge and my job, the other side is the woman who keeps everybody at arm length and never let anyone close, the woman who protects and guards her heart better than Fort Knox is protected and guarded. And also keeps her private life to herself, with a very good reason I should add. And that reason is my past. My past is the reason that many persons broke off contact with me, broke off friendships and relationships. It's also the reason for the job I have. You see, some persons know me as Olivia Benson, however, most persons know me as Detective Olivia Benson. Detective for the 16th precinct and Manhattan's SVU.

Being a Detective is how I met the woman in front me, many years ago. At first we fought like cats and dogs, we still do but back then it seemed like the only thing we would do whenever we met each other professionally. Mostly over warrants that I needed and she'd give to me or not and about cases she tried or not and most of the times she didn't that was the exact reason why we would fight. The first time we met and I'd look into her eyes, I saw the most beautiful baby blue eyes I had ever seen and I've never seen blue eyes more beautiful than hers since that day.

The day we met also changed me on the inside. Sure on the outside people see the same person they saw before I met her, and probably even those who are relatively close to me still think I'm the same person, most of the time, as I was back then. But the truth is they couldn't be more wrong, I'm nothing like that woman anymore. I'm not the same strong, undependable woman I was, and it's all because of her. The more I got to know about her, the closer she became, until the point that something happened I swore would never happen to me again, because all it would give me was a broken heart, and that is falling in love with her. I just knew that my heart would get broken to the point that it would be irreparable when she would break it. Because if I would allow myself to fall in love with her, I knew she would not only break my heart but also my spirit and soul, the moment she would reject me.

The problem with a heart, in this case mine, is that you're not the one who decide whom you fall in love with or not. It's your heart that makes that decision whether you like it or not. And, of course, mine decided to fall in love with, and fall hard for, the woman in front of me. Who became the most important person in my life, her opinion means more to me than anyone else their opinion could ever mean to me.

In case someone doesn't know who I am talking about, by now, I will tell you it. The woman I'm talking about is Alex Cabot. Well, officially, it's ADA Alexandra Cabot. Yes, the same ADA Alexandra Cabot as in the Assistant District Attorney that is assigned to prosecute the cases of Manhattan SVU and before you ask, yes that is the same unit I am a lead Detective for.

Anyway, back to the present and the situation I got myself into.

Alex never lied to me and I just know she never will. Because of that knowledge I think I asked her a question and with asking that question, instead of keeping my mouth shut, I will probably get my heart broken, to point it won't be able to repair it, within the next couple minutes, and it's my own damn fault. It never meant something to me whenever someone told me I was beautiful, they always wanted or needed something from me when they said it. So I never believed them or trusted them when they said it. With Alex I know it's different, she wouldn't need or want something from me when or if I would ask her if she thinks I'm beautiful. She would just give me an honest answer and tell me if she thinks I'm beautiful or not. It would be the most stupid thing I could do, asking her it I mean. Unfortunately, I just did that most stupid thing, I asked her if she thinks I'm beautiful and now I am waiting for her answer. Her answer that can either break or bless my heart, spirit and soul, for the rest of my life. Alex is the most intelligent woman I know, so I think that somehow she knows that, indirectly, I asked her if she's in love with me or not...

~~~A/O A/O A/O ~~~

Olivia looked down at the floor of her apartment, more like she tried to burn a hole through the floor and tried to disappear in it. That's what the Detective wanted to do for the most on one hand, on the other she wanted but didn't dare, to look at the beautiful blonde sitting on the couch next to her. Olivia had asked Alex a question because her mouth had been speaking before her brains could have stopped her. The words were still echoing through her mind.

Do you think I'm beautiful, Lex?

 _'What the hell was I thinking? That's the point Benson, you weren't thinking at all, instead you blurred out something stupid that could cost you your friendship with Alex because you can't handle it, if it turns out she doesn't think you're beautiful, no that's true, you can't handle it if she's not in love with you. You should have kept your big mouth shut Benson!'_ Olivia thought to herself.

Alex, in the mean time, was thinking about what the hell it was she would tell Olivia as her answer to the question the Detective had just asked her. The blonde ADA knew instinctively that there was more behind the question. She knew that her answer would probably change everything between them for better or for worse. As confident as Alex was in the courtroom, as unsure she could be in her personal life, at least when it concerned the beautiful, brown eyed brunette next to her.

After thinking about it for a few moments, Alex decided to tell Olivia the truth, the truth about what she thought about and what she felt for the Detective, before she would lose her nerves and chicken out again. And, knowing that Olivia already could feel like as if she was turned down when she wouldn't give her an answer quickly. Even though she could see in the body language of the Detective, that she wished she could take back the question she had asked. So Alex took a deep breath and spoke up.

"Olivia, look at me," Alex said.

When Olivia didn't look up and at her, Alex repeated her words while she gently placed her finger under the Detective's chin.

"Liv, look at me please," Alex said softly.

The tone in the ADA's voice made Olivia look up and into the blue eyes she loved so much, despite being afraid for the words that could come next.

"Liv, you're beautiful. To be honest, I think you are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my on eyes on," Alex answered.

Brown eyes looked searchingly into cerulean ones.

"Really?" Olivia asked hopefully.

"Yes, really. I never lied to you, Olivia. I have no intentions to start with it now," Alex answered softly.

Alex took Olivia's hand in her own before she started to talk again. The way Olivia looked at her and the hopeful tone in her voice, was enough for the younger blonde to tell the Detective how she really felt about her and take the chance she was too afraid of taking it previously.

"Like I said, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on, Liv. But not only on the outside, you are equally beautiful on the inside, too. You're intelligent, warm, caring, selfless, funny, beautiful and full of passion. You are also brave and protective. I've never felt more safe than when I'm with you. Nobody protect or defend me like you do, nor does it mean as much to me as when it's you who is doing it. I think it's time for me to be completely honest to you. I was attracted to you the first time we met, and as time passed by, it didn't stop there. Slowly I felt more for you. I never acted on it but, for a long time now, I've been in love with, the most precious woman I know, you. Liv, I love you.

I guess the big question now is, do you feel the same for me," Alex said, although it was more like she asked it.

To say that Olivia was shocked, is a big understatement. The Detective couldn't believe her own ears and her jaw dropped on the floor. Alex, the intelligent and beautiful Alexandra Cabot, was in love with her, Alex loved her.

When Olivia didn't pull away immediately or takes a run, even though it was her own apartment, Alex felt a bit relieved.

 _'Be positive, Cabot. At least you might have a chance since she's still here.'_ Alex thought to herself.

It took Olivia a few moments before she was able to pick up her jaw and it took more than a few moments before she was able to react.

At the same time, it was pure torture for the blonde, while it looked on the outside that Alex was calm, on the inside she was far from being calm. To the point that the fear building up inside of her, the fear of getting rejected, got to the point it almost became unbearable. Although Alex knew that the time Olivia was taking to get over the shock would probably only be seconds, it felt like minutes or even hours to the blonde.

"Alex, I don't know what to say, I'm not as eloquent with words as you are, which is why you are a lawyer and I'm a Detective. Don't get me wrong, it's not a rejection, I just don't seem to find the words to say what I want say," Olivia said.

The Detective took a few moments to try to put her thoughts in words. Alex let go of the breath she didn't know she was holding back. Even though Olivia didn't tell her what she felt, she wasn't rejecting her neither. And that was enough for Alex at this moment to give the older brunette the time she needed to tell her how she felt about her.

"Alex, my dear Alex, I've always protected myself, handled things myself because I didn't have anyone to do it for me or to help me with it. It has always been just me that I could depend on. When you came into my life, that slowly changed after we became friends. All the walls I had builded up over the years to protect myself, to protect my heart, you have broken them down, one by one. Leaving me vulnerable and naked, so to speak. I have never met anyone like you. You are trustworthy, fiercely intelligent, loyal, caring and so incredibly beautiful and sexy. I could go on, but we would still be sitting her tomorrow morning and even then, I wouldn't be finished.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you, too Lex. And, even though, the thought scares me, there's nothing that I want more than for you to be my girlfriend. I love you, too Lex. I denied it for so long but trying not to love you, only makes me love you more, " Olivia finished softly, almost whispered.

One look at Olivia, one look into those beautiful big brown eyes, told Alex that the brunette was telling her the truth. She knew what Olivia had meant with being scared, she wasn't scared for others to know about them being in the relationship they might be pursuing, she was scared to lose her. Alex looked down at Olivia's lips and back up to her eyes, the tip of her tongue slipped out of her mouth to moister her suddenly dry lips. There was nothing she wanted to do more right now, then to kiss the Detective. But the last thing she wanted was going to fast for her and make her run away, so instead of kissing her Alex decided to ask Olivia it.

"Liv, would it be..." Alex started to ask.

Olivia had watched Alex and thought it was the most sexy thing she had ever seen, and didn't even let the blonde ADA finish her sentence, she pulled Alex towards herself and gently pressed her own lips against Alex's soft lips. Feeling the other woman's lips finally on their own was like being in heaven for the both of them. Soft moans were heard but neither of them could tell who was moaning softly. Alex laced her hands behind Olivia's neck and Olivia placed her hands on the blonde's waist as she softly pulled at Alex's underlip, silently asking her permission to enter her mouth. Alex opened her mouth and slowly Olivia explored the blonde mouth. Both women moaned when they tasted each other for the first time.

Soon they started to make out on the Detective's couch. But, before things could go any further, Olivia pulled back, the Detective didn't want for things to go any further, even if they would only be making out, while they were sitting on her couch. As it was their first time together and therefore, more special than it would be any other time.

"Lex?" Olivia asked.

Alex looked into her Detective's eyes and nodded at Olivia before she rested her forehead against Olivia's. They didn't need words to talk right now, they had learned to have a conversation with only their eyes, a long time ago. Olivia stood up from the couch and gently pulled the blonde up. She placed her hands on Alex's ass and picked her up, instinctively the blonde wrapped her long legs around Olivia's waist before the Detective turned around and carried her towards the bedroom.

No matter how far they would or wouldn't go tonight, Alex and Olivia both knew that this evening had changed their lives forever...

The End


End file.
